Mom’s Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
“Would you like to go out, girl?” he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I’d love to!”
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn’t until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom’s feet on the kitchen floor.
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license.
“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.
“No,” I replied.
“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”
A Short History of Medicine
“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2004 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”
The guy replies, “150 dollars.”
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”
A young boy answers the phone.
A man says, “Hello is your dad around?”
The boy whispers, “Yes.”
The man then asks if he can talk to him.
“He’s busy at the moment,” the boy whispers.
“Then is your mom there?”
“Yes” the boy whispers.
“Can I talk to her?”
“No, she’s busy,” the boy whispers.
“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes” whispered the boy.
“Who?” the man asked.
“A policeman,” came the whispered reply.
“Well, can I talk to him?”
“He’s busy too,” the boy whispered.
“Is there anyone else there then?”
“Yes” whispered the boy.
“Who then?” the man asked.
“A fireman,” the boy whispered.
“Can I talk to him?”
“No,” the boy whispered, “he’s busy.”
Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing.
“Looking for me.” the boy whispered.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Kid and Cop
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” answered the blonde.”They’re watch dogs!”